


Closet Smoking

by bunnybrook



Category: Kingdom Hearts
Genre: Abuse, Choking, M/M, Physical Abuse, Smoking, Violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-27
Updated: 2017-11-27
Packaged: 2019-02-07 13:58:46
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,251
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12842646
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bunnybrook/pseuds/bunnybrook
Summary: Saïx catches Xigbar smoking a cigarette. Smoking is prohibited in Organization XIII.





	Closet Smoking

Saïx was drawn to the acrid smell of cigarettes, faint but something he’d learned to identify well. He had always hated nicotine, it reminded him of Lea’s occasional smoking back in Radiant Garden, how he would playfully argue about brushing his teeth before they kissed again. It didn’t do anything for Saïx, just gave him a headache, but Lea always shared when he wanted a reminder of how much he hated them.

Despite everything, cigarettes were hard to come by now.

The scent led him outside, around a corner to where Xigbar was sitting, his eyes closed. He was wearing a black wifebeater, the edges of a deep black bruise on his chest visible, brown edges stretching to his shoulder. His hair was down, greasy and tangled. His head was tilted slightly, so much that Saïx could tell he heard the quiet click of his shoes. Enough for Saïx to see that he was being ignored.

“Smoking is pro-”

“Fuck off,” Xigbar cut him off. “If you had a day like I did you’d be lighting one up too.”

“I don’t smoke,” Saïx said. Xigbar sneered at him.

He stood there for a while. There was a mostly empty pack of cigarettes by Xigbar’s feet, half black matches scattered beside it. Some of the cigarette butts had dark drops of blood on the from a cut in Xigbar’s lip. Xigbar finished the cigarette in his mouth and lit another with the dying end of it, coughing out his first lungful of smoke. 

“You need something?” he wheezed.

Wordlessly, Saïx sat next to him.

“Goddamn Heartless nearly got me,” Xigbar said, unprompted. “Might not understand  _ feelings _ that well anymore but can damn well feel when I’m about to die.”

“That’s different,” Saïx said. “A physical sensation.”

“No,” Xigbar said. “Fuck, you’re sheltered.”

Saïx pulled his knees to his chest and stared at the scuffed toes of his boots.

“Maybe I should try and kill you someday,” Xigbar muttered, then laughed. It slowly devolved into a cough, until he was hacking and clutching his chest. Saïx made no move to help. When Xigbar caught his breath he turned and spit.

“Did you feel you were dying just now?” Saïx teased.

Xigbar squinted at him and shook his last cigarette out of the box.

“Oh, hey,” he said. “Lucky one.” He put the current cigarette out on the ground and perched the new one between his lips. Around it he said, “Wanna do the honors?”

“I don’t have much of a choice, do I?” Saïx said.

“You know it.”

Saïx huffed and picked up the matchbox. “You know I don’t approve of this,” he said while he lit the match. “I’m going to say something about it.” When the cigarette was lit, Xigbar smiled.

“Yeah, make me wear a sign. Lock me in the stocks, whip me. Whatever.” 

Saïx hated the quiet exhaustion they shared. Even though they both contributed to the weariness, only a few could ever understand it. It was true of anyone in the Organization, there was an unspoken camaraderie masked by the shared numbness of being their own special kind of Heartless. He almost felt like closing the inches between them and resting his head on Xigbar’s shoulder. Maybe he could find safety enough to sleep, even just for a minute.

The quiet sound of a Corridor opening reminded Saïx the thought was ridiculous.

Xemnas looked the two over, the shadows behind him churning and making Saïx sick to look at. His lip twitched into a snarl and he reached forward and grabbed Xigbar by the hair, pulling him to his feet. Saïx jumped up, not wanting to be manhandled the same way.

“What are you doing?” Xemnas demanded. He plucked the cigarette from Xigbar’s lips and held it out of reach. 

“What’s it look like?” Xigbar drawled. 

Xemnas dropped Xigbar’s head in favor for his wrist, which he held out and pressed the lit cigarette onto. Xigbar shouted, the pain catching him off guard, then swallowed the noise to grit his teeth instead. The burn smoked and when Xemnas took the cigarette away, ashes stuck to it. It was shining, raw and red. 

“There is no excuse for this,” Xemnas spat. “How many times do I have to punish you before you learn your lesson?”

“I think how deeply regretful I am is punishment enough,” Xigbar said, it was obvious he didn't mean a word of it. Xemnas threw his wrist aside and slapped him. Xigbar rubbed his jaw and chuckled. It was almost as if the two were playing a game, the anger melodramatic at a minor offense.

Then Xemnas turned to Saïx. “And you let him? You kept him company while he directly disobeyed me?”

“I'm sorry, sir,” he blurted. He wrung his hands at his chest, knowing how pathetic and anxious he looked but unable to do anything to stop it. “I told him that you would find out and I-”

“You should have come to me immediately, if not stopped him yourself,” Xemnas interjected. The anger in his voice seemed to slow time, painfully drawing out every word from Xemnas’s already lengthy style of speech. Saïx felt judgement and denouncement in each syllable. 

“I'm sorry,” Saïx repeated, helpless.

Xemnas grabbed him by the throat and pushed him against the wall, choking Saïx and lifting him to his toes.

“You are not weak,” Xemnas said. “I know this of you. Do you wish to lose the trust we have worked so hard to cultivate?”

Saïx shook his head. He could see Xemnas’s eyes through his own tears. Xemnas was hollow inside. Saïx was starting to see stars.

“You must continue to prove to me that you're a benefit to the Organization,” Xemnas continued. “You know the consequences if you fail to do so.”

Saïx choked, a terrified, wet noise. His hands were shaking as he struggled to keep them from trying to push Xemnas away, even though his vision was going dark. Fighting always made it worse.

“I expect your complete loyalty,” Xemnas stated, then dropped him.

Everything came rushing back with pops of bright light. Saïx coughed, unable to stop himself from drooling down his chin as he struggled to stay upright while he caught his breath. He wiped his face and looked at the gleam of spit on his glove, then up to Xemnas who shoved Xigbar through the Corridor. 

Before following, he said, “Report to me later. You need to be disciplined.”

“Of course, sir,” Saïx said. And he was alone.

Sometimes, Saïx cried. He felt disgusting when he did, that he was giving in to Xemnas’s abuse, that he was crumbling and broken. If he felt nothing, why would he express such grief? Who was he crying for? While he sobbed, he told himself he was still breathless.

Maybe this was what it felt like to nearly die.

Saïx kneeled and collected the matches and smoked cigarettes into his palms, stopping when he came across the half smoked one that had been put out on Xigbar’s wrist. He was probably being punished now. Saïx wasn't concerned when he imagined of Xigbar’s agony. It was his fault.

Saïx lit the cigarette and smoked it on the way back inside, putting it out before entering. He breathed deeply, making sure he was composed before looking for somewhere to dispose of the burnt trash in his hands. He has work to do before he was expected to see Xemnas. He had wasted enough time already.

**Author's Note:**

> I feel like I could really easily write a follow up to this.... As always, comment appreciated!


End file.
